My family consists of mostly Christians (of varying Protestant flavours), my immediate family being extremely strong in their faith.

I’d been told from the very beginning about God and Jesus, that the Bible was absolutely true and without error or contradiction, and so on. As a child, I simply took it all for granted and couldn’t understand why everyone didn’t also believe as my family did. It seemed so obvious, and so the only conclusion I could draw was that the devil had deceived them; this is a rather typical Christian idea. All the ideas of God and Christianity that I had were given to me by my family and church.

Throughout my teens I studied the Bible in-depth, listened to and watched Christian programming, and spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours in prayer. I always prayed for, among many other things, wisdom and deeper understanding, and that God would draw me even closer to him. And I was rather content. I felt the presence of God the majority of the time, and during prayer it became an intense and sometimes overwhelming feeling.

Problems in life would come and go (sometimes trivial, and other times really scary), but there was never doubt about God, just confusion as to why he typically acted as if he wasn’t there. On occasion I would have a “confirmation experience”, purely emotional/psychological/co-incidence in nature which further cemented the idea that he really was there, I was just “being tested” or not being spiritual/dedicated/morally good enough. I would often spend time making sure that even my thoughts were not sinful, would feel immediate guilt if I perceived them as such, and would ask in earnest for forgiveness.

On the odd occasion I came across anything even vaguely atheist or doubting in nature, it literally frightened me. My upbringing lead me to believe Satan was trying to deceive me, lead me astray. “Oh no you don’t, my God is real and bigger than you”, was my general attitude.

A few years ago, while studying my Bible I started coming across serious problems with it. I learned the history of the early church and how the Bible came to be. I began to have deep moral problems with God as literally portrayed by the Bible or as interpreted by most Christians around me. As a consequence, my faith became more liberal.

I no longer believed, for example, that hell was a literal burning place or that it was permanent. Instead, it was more like a temporary place you went to until you came around to following Jesus, and the suffering you endured wasn’t physical but mental/emotional/psychological, caused by being separated from family and from the true happiness and peace in God. Eventually, all people would be united together after death.

At the same time, I started learning online more about critical thinking and science, seeing how truly lousy my science education had been. I learned what evolution actually was, without it being passed through the filter of the ignorant and un-educated (“So why are there still monkeys?”). I learned about the difference between a hypothesis, a law and a theory. I learned about logical fallacies. I learned more about other religions, and all the other saviour Gods that have come and gone. I started reading in secret what agnostics and atheists had to say, and while it made me nervous and even physically anxious, I pressed on. I have always valued the truth, and I decided if God existed, he could handle it; I would be protected by the Holy Spirit and my faith and reliance upon him.

After much reflection, study and even prayer, it was essentially down to two ideas. One was the existence of tremendous and unnecesary suffering, put best by Epicurus,

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

The other was the idea always expounded to me by Christian leaders that unbelievers are amoral, often immoral, and live a sad, nihilistic existence.

So I started to read about what unbelievers actually say about what they do believe in. I found myself reflected back: truth, goodness, friends, family, community, and overall a sense of awe and wonder of life and the universe. Obviously, I concluded, everything I had been told, not only of Christianity and God but of those “fools” that do not believe, was a lie. There was a far more sensible and moral way of looking at life and that was the path I decided to take.

So, What about the folks?

I have not been to church for years now, and my Christian paraphernalia sits in a box to be discarded. Yet I am fearful of my family’s reaction to the revelation that I am now an infidel. I have already seen what happens to the unbelievers among us and I do not want that for myself. I do not lie, but I also have not as yet revealed my de-conversion. I would be greatly sad to lose the relationships that I have over a tribal superstition. I do not want them to think that I hate them or that I am rebelling out of spite or just for the sake of it. I hope that as time passes, I can gain the courage to be completely truthful with those I greatly disagree with over religion, but still love dearly.